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As the Beach Boys once said, “be true to your school.” Having pride in your alma mater is the responsibility of all graduates. However, there are some school mascots that make it harder than others to boast about, as they are undeniably lame. The following nine colleges have made some pretty laughable choices when selecting these school symbols.
1. St. Louis University
MASCOT: Billiken
SLU is a Catholic university, which is why it would be odd to use a devil as the mascot. Fortunately, the Billiken is not a devil, despite it looking like a seasick Count Chocula.
The Billiken is not so much terrifying, intimidating, or majestic, as it prefers to confound and confuse. For that reason, the Billiken may actually prove to be a powerful mascot, as opposing teams spend more time trying to figure it out than they spend focused on the game at hand.
2. University of Oregon
MASCOT: Duck
It looks like Donald, and it sounds like Donald, but believe it or not, it’s not Donald.
The Oregon Duck wins the award for lamest-mascot-bordering-on-copyright-infringement ever. While their athletics programs may be successful, the duck isn’t exactly the sort of creature you feel compelled to rally around.
3. University of Santa Cruz
MASCOT: Banana Slug
The University of Santa Cruz has never had much of a national presence. While this may have to do with enrollment size or funding restraints, it probably has more to do with the freaky ant-monster they call a mascot.
What sets USC (the less good one) apart from other schools is their dedication to specificity. Not satisfied with naming their mascot the “slugs,” Santa Cruz opened up a science book and got precise. Whether or not a banana slug is more or less dangerous than a regular slug remains to be seen. Bottom line, slugs are slow, and this makes them an odd choice for representing a group of athletes.
4. Ohio State
MASCOT: Buckeye
Ohio State has been a dominant athletic force for the majority of their existence, in spite of the fact that their mascot is a seed.
That’s right. A seed. A terrifying, imposing plant part. They are the reproductive organs of plants. Come to think of it… that might be kind of cool actually.
5. Alabama Crimson Tide
MASCOT: Big Al
The Alabama Crimson Tide would have a hard time embodying their nicknames, as a mascot the size and shape of a tidal wave is impractical. Fortunately, they went with the next logical choice; an elephant.
Elephants are crazy scary, except in Alabama, where they rarely appear in nature. Nobody watching a Crimson Tide game has ever seen an elephant that wasn’t standing on a pedestal, giving the trainer a high-five, which means this mascot is more adorable than imposing.
6. University of Nebraska—Lincoln
MASCOT: Lil Red
The only mascot to give the Oregon Duck a run for its copyright infringing money, Lil Red is the knock-off cousin of the Big Boy hamburger kid.
From that perspective, this mascot is actually pretty effective. Nothing slows the other team down worse than indigestion, saturated fat, or unexpected coronaries, which means that putting the idea of cheeseburgers in their heads is a stroke of competitive brilliance.
7. University of Nebraska
MASCOT: Herbie Husker
Herbie Husker is the name of this beloved mascot. Now, while most schools pay male students to slip into a foam suit to look like some sort of animal, the University of Nebraska has a different plan in mind for their mascots.
Instead of having a young man dress up in an animal costume, they give him a suit that makes him look like…a young man? Seems kinda unnecessary, right? What’s the point of putting on the costume at all?
Unless…maybe there’s a banana slug inside that human costume!
8. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
MASCOT: Big Red
Western Kentucky is about as American of a place as you can find, which is why it is ironic that their mascot looks like a character from Spanish Sesame Street.
With its giant head and red nothingness, this mascot is a ball of ambiguous weirdness. Although we aren’t entirely sure what a “hilltopper” is, we are pretty sure it isn’t THAT.
Honorable Mention: Rosary Beads
Dominican University in River Forest was once known as Rosary College, an all-girls Catholic University. The mascot choice for this school? Yep. The Rosary Beads.
In fairness, this mascot is pretty awesome. Nothing is more potent or terrifying than Catholic Guilt, and reminding your opponent that their soul is more than likely destined for hell is a great distracting element.
Conclusion:
While not all mascots can be hawks, lions, or tigers, we expect a little better than banana slugs and 5-year-old boys. Whether or not the mascot bears any effect on the outcome of a given sporting events remains to be seen, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt for these nine schools to consider updating their looks in 2011.